Goodbye, for Now

One of the things that you don’t often hear about long-distance relationships is that it never gets easier saying goodbye for now. It’s strange because you know the goodbye is only temporary, and yet it still hurts as if it were more long-term. You know there will still be Telegram messages, video calls, another flight to see one another, but none of that seems to matter in the moment of saying goodbye. There is still that sorrow when you board the bus back to the airport and board the plane, watching your second home disappear below the clouds as the plane takes off.

Long-distance relationships seem to find a way of creating their own “normal.” There are messages throughout the day, memes shared from funny moments, making plans across time zones, and looking forward to the next adventure. The distance itself becomes familiar. We each have our separate lives despite being 4,000 + miles apart, but there are still shared experiences. Remembering things we did together, sharing a moment from our normal day. But being together interrupts the distance in the best possible way. For the duration of the visit, you no longer have to factor distance or a 5-hour time difference into the equation. You’re simply there, together.

That’s what makes returning to normal that much harder. We talk a lot about event drop. That depression you fall into after a significant event. Over the last month, I’ve not yet had the time for that drop to happen. I was busy with Atlanta Leather Pride, then the Georgia Pet, Pup and Handler contest, then a week exclusively with Kuma. It’s hitting now as I journey back home. While ALP and the GAPPaH contest were significant events, the real fun I had was spending time with Alpha. Time at the contest, a trip to the Aquarium, shooting guns on the range with friends, it all adds up to a fun and memorable week, waking up with one another in the same bed and experiencing things in person vs. through a screen.

It was amazing to have the chance to introduce Kuma to my world. To have him meet my friends. To get their approval for the man I talk so much about. The emotional point, however, isn’t that we did all the things, but rather that for a little while, an ocean between us was not an issue.

At some point during the visit, reality hits. You realize how little time remains. For me, that day was Wednesday. I still felt like there was so much more I wanted to do. Places for him to experience, cuddle time on the couch watching a TV show or talking for hours. You still try your best to enjoy the moment, but reality quickly sets in when you start to organize the suitcases in preparation to go home. Nothing is really wrong, but every moment starts to feel numbered. I try really hard not to be sad, but eventually the sad Ruff face comes out, and Alpha knows. It’s hard not to feel that depression and disappointment settle in as the final day approaches and you know that, yet again, it’s time for another goodbye.

It was hard this trip because I flew home to London with Alpha. We spent the time watching a movie together on the flight and playing solitaire on the seatback entertainment unit. When we arrived back in London, we spent the day trying to stay awake to stave off jet lag and enjoy our last day together. We said our goodbyes this morning at the bus stop, and slowly the relationship transitioned back to a screen in our hands. The 8.5-hour flight home drops me back into our familiar routine. Texts, photos, stickers, and missing his touch and face.

But why doesn’t it get easier? After this trip, I feel more solid in our connection than I ever have. In 11 days, it will mark our 1-year anniversary of knowing one another. It feels wonderfully like it’s been longer. We have so many wonderful memories that we’ve built. Increasingly tinier hotel rooms in Soho, date nights seeing a movie or grabbing dinner. Cooking biscuits and gravy or Bang Bang chicken for the housemates. I’ve started to realize that the pain I feel when we part ways isn’t that the relationship is failing; it’s that the trust between us and our relationship has grown stronger. In talking with others in similar long-distance pairings, they can confirm that even after years of being together, that pain never really goes away.

What I have learned is that while distance can feel uncertain, every reunion and goodbye becomes another piece of evidence that the relationship can survive the distance. It’s not about trying to convince myself that I’ll never miss him. I can still miss someone but still feel that connection and bond between us. It lives in the collar I wear around my neck, the septum piercings we both got together, and the memories and inside jokes we’ve collected in the last year.

Kuma often calls me his beautiful puppy. It’s given me confidence to live my life more openly and unapologetically. I find myself using “Ruff” more in my interactions with friends, presenting at kink events, and even on my drink order at Starbucks. Through him, I’ve learned to be proud of who I am. More confident in my appearance and allowing things I once hid to come to the surface.

I think that’s why the goodbyes carry so much weight. It’s more than missing someone’s presence. It’s missing that close emotional connection we feel when we are together. But I have to remind myself that the goal isn’t to get good at saying goodbye, or not feeling that tug when I board the plane home. It’s more about remembering that it’s never “goodbye,” but rather “goodbye, for now.” There will be other airplane arrivals, another fun adventure, more waking up next to him in bed and cuddling before we start the day.

The important thing for us to remember in a long-distance relationship is that it will always continue, across an ocean, spanning 5 time zones, and crossing international borders. There will be more adventures, more memories, and his loving arms waiting for me when we meet again.

So today I will miss him. I will let myself feel a little sad as London fades into the horizon and the miles between us start adding up again. I don’t need to convince myself not to feel those feelings or tuck them away inside.

Because this is no longer a goodbye.

It’s see you soon.