Before Ruff: Where My Journey Began

I’ll never forget that May afternoon when my date showed up at my apartment. He had ridden his sport bike and arrived at my door in full racing leathers. I was a bit nervous. I knew what BDSM and kink were but hadn’t had much firsthand experience. We walked over to the outdoor mall near my apartment and had some pizza for lunch. He was a really nice guy, and we had a good time. He then came back to my place, and that’s when the fun started. He let me try on his leather harness. I loved the way it felt on my skin, how it pulled in some places as I moved around. I don’t remember much about that interaction, but we made plans for a second date, this time up at his place.

Little did I know that day would start me down a path that helped me to grow, heal, play and become the pup that I am today. Over the next few months we continued to meet up, including a meetup with his BDSM mentor, where I was tied up for the first time. We even made plans to attend my first IML.

It was at IML that I discovered pup play. I didn’t know what to expect. We showed up to help set up for the pup mosh event. This was one of the first years that there was a pup play event at IML. There I met several of the Phoenix boys of Leather. Not only were they super helpful in helping me get a feel for things and explaining how things worked, but they were some of the first men I would later come to consider family. At first, I stayed on the sidelines and observed. Then I got a little courage to play with the pups as a handler, squeaking toys and tossing them across the mats. Then towards the end I got the courage to drop down on all fours and join in the fun. It was during that moment, getting to be silly and play with a bunch of pups chasing a mail man, that Ruff began to emerge.

I also got the privilege of meeting some guys from the Chicago HellFire Club. I knew what the organization was as it is one of the country’s oldest and well-respected BDSM clubs. We were invited to go check out the clubhouse, get to chat with a few members and tour their dungeon space. I got to watch a flogging scene and started to realize that there was such a deep level of connection and trust involved in a healthy BDSM relationship. That relationship could be something short like a play date, or something longer term. I left that first IML trip with a new sense of belonging and curiosity. My now partner and I started to experiment more, trying different kinks and enjoying what we were passionate about.

In January of 2006, I decided to invest in my first pup hood: OG Ruff. He was a custom leather hood, the first model Mr. S Leathers made. This was before the custom neoprene hoods, and looking at OG Ruff now, I can see he was a bit boxy. Because OG Ruff was made of leather, I had to take head measurements and pick a single color to accent him (red). It took about 8 weeks for him to arrive, and I remember the intoxicating smell of my head being encased in leather. For the next several years, things felt good. My partner and I continued to explore and play regularly. I found I enjoyed things like sounding, electro play, rope bondage and being restrained. We were gifted a sling, which opened a whole new level of play.

Then came 2012. My partner and I were honored to serve as Rocky Mountain Leather Sir and boy. We began to make more connections in the kink community. During our title year we got to travel to Idaho, Wyoming, and Colorado to meet the communities we were representing. We then competed in the International Leather Sir, boy and community bootblack contest in San Francisco. There we met so many pillars in the community, people who showed me that there were people passionate about kink in a relatively conservative area. It was also at that contest that I met Sir Alan and his partner Nitro. Little did I know how much that friendship would mean to me. As our title year came to a close, we were able to hand off our titles to the next in line. Unfortunately the title ended after that. The title holders who succeeded us never finished their title year, and unfortunately that ended the Rocky Mountain region.

Things also started to change around that time at home. Ruff never got to fully emerge as my now husband began to have some health issues, including several surgeries that limited his ability to move around for a while. As a result, our play time with one another lessened. We had always had an open relationship, and I continued to gain experience in the kinks that I loved. Even through all that, I felt a pull to Ruff but never fully embraced that. There were job changes and other things that took up time. In 2016, we got the devastating news that Sir Alan had unexpectedly passed. It was hard not being able to be there for Nitro. We kept in touch over the years as he tried to navigate that difficult situation. But the problems at home never improved. In fact they had gotten worse. My husband was down on himself with his health. I was working overnight hours at my new job, and in July 2017 I discovered that my husband had started to use meth. I didn’t know what to think. This was my first real exposure to drug use. I had always tried to avoid surrounding myself with people who used drugs. But there it was, right in front of me starting to consume my own husband. Looking back now I can see there were clear signs I didn’t see. I was naive to think that he could just quit it cold turkey. But as I learned over the next 7 years, it was not. There were countless relapses, and while we remained in Utah, never once did we try any kind of rehab or recovery meeting. In 2018 he lost his job of 20 years. We made a decision to move to Atlanta as there was an opportunity with my job to advance my career. We packed up our two cars and drove cross-country to begin a new life. I was hopeful that breaking ties with his contacts in Utah would be his way out of his addiction, but it wasn’t. Quite quickly, instead of focusing on finding new employment in Atlanta, he made contacts and began using again.

This time we did do rehab. Several times in fact. All this while, the kink had taken a back seat. I was in crisis mode trying to deal with his addiction and settle into a new city. I had several health issues come up in 2018 and 2019 that really prevented me from fully integrating with the community. In early 2020 there was another relapse that damn near broke me. I had kicked my husband out. I was done with his relapses and wanted a way out. Mentally I was at an all-time low. Friendships were faltering and starting to suffer. Then the world shut down. In March 2020 the COVID pandemic shut everything down. There was a lot of fear about losing my job as no one was flying. My roommate at the time was constantly flying, so I spent a lot of time at home alone. My husband was at a rehab facility in Florida finally seeking some help. I got lonely and started to think that maybe things could change. My husband was released from the program because all non-essential facilities including rehab centers were closing. I let him back into my home, and for a short while things seemed to be changing. My husband and I had decided to purchase a home. In December of 2021 we moved into a new construction home south of the city. Things seemed to be better, calmer, returning to normal. My husband didn’t feel much like going out, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from connecting with the community that I was so excited to be a part of in Atlanta. I grew even closer with Nitro, and I started to feel that pull from Ruff again. I attended dog days in Augusta, and that’s when Ruff 1.0 came to be. He was my first neoprene hood.

I was slowly letting him come out but he was kept on a very short leash. Sadly, things with my husband’s addiction never improved. In January of 2025, on my birthday, he relapsed again. This time it was the last for me. We separated, and in July, the divorce was finalized. It was difficult for me. I had just started a new role where I was traveling to London every 6 weeks. I was relieved that I no longer had to worry about coming home to someone who’d overdosed or finding paraphernalia lying around my home. But I was lonely. I had ordered Ruff 1.5, a MistrBear hood, and slowly I felt that pull from Ruff again, this time trying to help me heal. Nitro became a brother to me at this point. I will never forget him taking me to the gun range to target shoot, work out my frustrations and talk about one of his other partners, who had struggled with addiction and has sadly since passed away from an overdose. I impulsively bought tickets in February to Spring Training in Augusta. I made plans to attend Dog Days in August. I booked tickets to pup fest at Oz campground, a local gay campground. Ruff was evolving, and so was I. I started feeling more included in pup events and queer spaces. I wore my hood more frequently and let that puppy energy flow through me.

September of 2025 really accelerated the changes happening within me. I had been traveling to London for work for several months now and began to feel more comfortable in the city. I went out a little early to attend a Gareth Emery concert. I went out as Ruff and danced for hours, letting the puppy energy fully out. The people next to me loved seeing me dance in my pup hood and commented on how cool it was and how much fun we all were having. I rode that energy through the week, and Friday, when it came time to head back into the city to prepare for the journey back to Atlanta, I decided to go check out some of the gay bars in Soho. I was at Compton’s, which would later become a favorite of mine, looking through the apps and sending messages to hot guys. Then four words changed my life when someone I hadn’t expected to respond messaged me back.

“WOOF, Looking good man.”

I will never forget those words or that moment. I had connected with a local pup and we hit it off immediately. He had just left Compton’s and was on his way back home. We had missed one another by literally seconds. We chatted and stayed in touch. We talked almost every day and decided we would meet up when I came back in December. I eagerly awaited seeing him in person. There was something about this guy that intrigued me. When we finally met the chemistry was electric. We pupped out, and we had an amazing time. We got kinky in the hotel room. We started that weekend as friends who had some fun chats. We ended that weekend with me calling him my Alpha. It was unexpected. I was cautious, but something about him made me feel like this was going to be OK.

We grew very close over the coming months. I had even purchased a new version of Ruff from MistrBear, Ruff 2.0. I let Ruff off his leash and decided to live my life unapologetically. This is when #UnapologeticallyPuppy was born. Over the next few months, I continued to grow and learn about myself. There were several visits back to London for work, which also allowed me to tack on a weekend to visit Alpha. I made more friends in London and began going to a pup/kink event in London. I was growing, and that passion for kink and play had been reignited. I also decided I wanted to get back into kink education, helping to share the knowledge that so many had passed on to me. I decided to run for GA Pup in 2026 and began deepening my involvement in the community. Alpha helped me begin to not take things so seriously. I started to heal. In 2026, Ruff was running free, with no fear. I taught 2 workshops at Spring Training. I was immediately invited to present at SEBB Black & Blue Weekend in September. Nitro helped me to embrace who I was becoming. I got involved as staff for Furry Weekend Atlanta. In August, Alpha came out to support me during my contest. I got the win I needed out of the weekend. This last weekend I presented three classes at Black & Blue Weekend.

Something unexpected also happened. After my 2012 title, I never got to celebrate how well I did. I was dealing with too many crises at home. That 2012 title vest disappeared into the back of my closet. This last weekend, I pulled that title vest back out. I looked at it and cried a little, but not sad tears; they were happy tears because I felt confident enough in who I had grown to be to honor that past. I conditioned that vest and proudly wore it during the weekend. People were surprised. They knew that I had held a title previously, but not everyone knew how far back my title history went or the history that came with it. I didn’t wear it to brag. I wore it to reclaim my hard work from 14 years ago.

This weekend is so hard to put into words. Without even wearing that vest, people recognized me, pulled me aside and told me how proud of me they were. I got to teach some amazing workshops with great attendance. I did this as Ruff, fully embracing how far he’s helped me grow this year. It was proof that I’ve done the hard work. I still have much to learn and room to grow, but I have learned that tucking things away doesn’t help that process. It was only when I fully embraced those parts of me, the hard parts, and the new exciting parts, that I began to feel at peace with my life and how things have changed for the better for me. It was also the one year anniversary of meeting Alpha. He’s been so integral in helping me heal and in accelerating my journey toward being #UnapologeticallyPuppy.

As I start what’s next, I know that there is so much more in store for me. Exciting things are in the works. More international adventures are in store. All of it has happened because I let Ruff guide me. This isn’t the end of my journey; it’s a continuation. As others are now looking to me as they start their own discovery, the best advice I can offer is: don’t run from things. Don’t avoid those challenges. Seek them out. Deal with the hard parts. Most importantly, don’t forget who you are. That journey is what has brought you here now. Grow from your mistakes and never pass up an opportunity to learn more.

I’m so proud of the chosen family that I’ve built. The kink community has given me some of the best brothers and sisters I could ever ask for. That was apparent to me this last weekend. So while I continue to revel in the post-event glow of all of the wonderful things that happened, I think of my friend Link’s tagline “Heads up, Tails Waggin.” It’s never rung truer for me than it does now. Thank you to all of those on my journey, and here’s to new friendships and adventures to come.