37 Tabs Open, and One Is Playing Music

I decided to have a bit of self-care this weekend and came up to camp to “work remotely” while I unwind and recharge. Halloween at a gay campground in the South is something special. Everyone likes to decorate their campsites, cabins, and RVs, and there’s a magic in the air that’s electric. Some go over the top. There is someone who has built a whole pirate ship façade on the side of their RV. Others have a spooky graveyard outside their cabin; some of the tent sites even have string lights, lit-up pumpkins, and fun signs. At my cabin, I’ve put up some string lights, a couple of black lights, a ghost projector, and two inflatable decorations. Harry and I are sitting on the patio enjoying the morning sun, having a cup of coffee, and getting a few things wrapped up at the office. The brisk morning is starting to warm now that the sun is out, and at some point I may go for a soak in the hot tub. The first priority is to wrap the workweek up, perhaps a little early, so I can let the fun start this weekend. I’m looking forward to seeing some friends I haven’t seen in some time, eating some good food, doing a fun Halloween hayride, drinking some Halloween shots, and, if I’m lucky, having a little chaos corgi fun. As I was working, I noticed something that is a great analogy for where I’m at. I seem to have 37 browser tabs open, and one of them is playing music. There are a couple of tabs open for the actual work I’m doing: some Word documents and spreadsheets that I am reconciling. Then there are a couple of tabs for quick questions, where I came across something in my work and needed to do a little research to figure things out. Then there is a tab or two which we will call aspirational goals: newsletters with interesting articles that I will read at some point when I’ve had enough coffee and become a better person. Then there is the emotional support tab. It’s Amazon, in case I need a little retail therapy or to window-shop for holiday gifts. Of course, there are things that have been sitting in that cart forever, a lot like the browser tabs that I can’t seem to close. Then there are the ancient tabs. Ones that I opened long ago that I can’t seem to close because I might need that information later (spoiler alert: I will not need this information but can’t seem to bring myself to close them). Remnants of things that I never got around to, or tabs that had information on them I found helpful at one point, but I can now no longer remember what I was doing to land there. Finally, there is the music tab. The one that ties this ADHD mess all together. It helps keep me grounded and sane. The soundtrack to my life. My life seems to be a bit like this, which is why from time to time it’s good to do some self-care, reset, and close some of those tabs. There are several projects in my life I really want to focus on: helping to get Georgia Kennel Club off and running. We’ve got to get a few events planned through the end of the year. We have the puppy takeover at the Fall Fling at the Georgia RenFaire, and possibly a bowling night or a stroll through the holiday lights at the botanical garden. I also want to focus on getting some other events going in other Georgia cities and helping to bring the pups together. I want to continue to work on #unapologeticallyPuppy and to make it more known around the globe through TikTok and Instagram content. I’ve gotten a really great following on Facebook, Instagram is growing, and TikTok, while new, is starting to take off. I really want people to embrace the philosophy and help to spread the paw-sitive puppy vibes. Then there are the side quests. Little projects and commitments that by themselves aren’t much, but seem to stack up and take a lot of energy to follow through on. Pup nights, small events, random bar nights with friends. Don’t get me wrong, they are a lot of fun, but during my contest year, I was burning myself out, and I’ve since realized I need to stop overcommitting myself. I have my friends that are here for the emotional support. I know if things get to be too much, they are there to provide the words of encouragement and the tough love when needed. Many have become even closer in the last year, and I’ve found some new ones quickly finding their way into my heart. Then there is the shit I can’t seem to get over. I’m working on trying to let go of things and learn from past hurt, but there are still some chapters I can’t seem to bring myself to close. They take up space in the back of my mind, sometimes distractingly so. And still there is the music. As ruff has grown, the music has been a constant. It revitalizes me, lets me access my pup headspace, and can bring me out of most funks. I started about 8 years ago creating a monthly playlist of the songs I encounter during the month that inspire me or contribute to my mood that month. Sometimes it’s a lot of sad songs for tougher days; other times, rage queer music for dealing with stress; but lately this year, some bouncy dance tracks fit for a chaos corgi. It’s interesting to go back and listen to those playlists and, in a way, relive the experiences of that month. It’s a unique way to see how I’ve grown and changed over the years. I listened to a playlist that was made when I was going through my divorce, and there was a lot of hurt and sadness in that playlist. I look at the one a year later, and it’s upbeat, happy, and celebrating who I am. This weekend is about restoring some of that order and closing out some of those tabs. Some of that looks like combining tabs because they are essentially one and the same. I’ve already wrapped up some of my normie job projects for the week and am starting to relax a bit. I’m bookmarking some side quests to come back to later when I have the spoons, and recognizing that just because I close some tabs, that doesn’t mean I should be opening new ones. Last night Harry and I found some time to listen to some chill music and watch the lights from my galaxy projector on the ceiling. I’m working on getting through the ancient tabs with my therapist, but it’s going to take some time, and I feel good about being able to close some of those this year. I was reflecting on some of that last night. It’s not about forgetting it happened, but remembering what I learned from it and how strong I’ve become to get over those things and celebrate who I am today. It’s tough. I’m one of those pups who struggles to accept that there are people out there who see things in me I can’t see in myself. And that music tab… it’s staying on for sure. I need that grounding element to get through all of this, and a recharging dance break is sometimes what you need to keep life fun. Believe me, there will be dancing. Reconnecting with friends I haven’t seen in a year. Spending some time walking around camp with Harry and getting into a little chaos corgi fun. This weekend I’m giving myself permission to close a few more tabs. To focus on what’s here and now. I’m looking forward to more quiet time with Harry, to more new friends and deeper connections with existing ones. To having a little fun and, most of all, to letting this chaos corgi tear up the dance floor.